It’s official. I’ve come down with a case of the baby blues. For days I’ve been trying to ignore the nagging voice telling me to just acknowledge it. To just say out loud that I need a litle help here. I thought I could just will it away with my newfound supermama strength…because I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’m supposed to be loving every minute of new mommyhood and being at home with the twins. I’m supposed to happy and patient. Instead, I feel irritable and cranky. I overeat when I’m not hungry and cry uncontrollably when I’m home alone. The crankiness, eating, and crying then roll themselves into a big ball of guilt – which just makes me do more eating and crying.
My run/walk yesterday energized me and made me feel like a normal person again. I even thought, “THIS is what’s going to save me!” I was convinced all I had to do was get up and out the door and the blues would be gone. Of course, it’s more complicated than this because when I woke up this morning I was just downright cranky and tired and refused to get out of bed, knowing staying in bed would make me feel worse. So I didn’t go, and I felt like crap, and then all I wanted to do was eat to give me some temporary solace. Getting rid of the baby blues will require more than just ONE day of exercise.
I’m no stranger to depression, having had bouts of it throughout high school and college. I know how to recognize it in myself, and over the years I’ve accumulated tools that help me combat it. But it’s never easy and it’s never done overnight. This time around I have more reasons to beat it. I just need to look at my babies to motivate myself. I don’t want to be short with them. I don’t want to be frustrated by their crying or their fussing. They’re babies and that’s what they do. I just need to get a grip and cope better with the stressors.
Dame has also brought to my attention that I’ve been homebound since the first week of January. That’s 6 months next week! Between bedrest, being far too pregnant, then having newborn twins, add in the Boston winter, Boston rainy spring, and that doesn’t add up to much going out. Cabin fever is an understatement.
Compounding all of this is my intense loneliness. No one ever warned me how lonely motherhood can be. I started going through my list of friends, which has shrunk considerably since I’ve gotten pregnant. Of the few remaining people I consider friends, the list looks like this (each bullet point is a friend):
- Lives in NYC/starting a new crazy busy job
- Moving to NYC this weekend/starting a new job
- Getting married next month
- Also getting married next month
- Getting divorced
- Struggling with fertility
- Struggling with depression
Seriously, this list is not a joke and does not include the 3 closest friends who were in my wedding just a few short years ago. The disintegration of those relationships will have to be discussed at a later date.
I tried a twin moms group but never connected with anyone. I’ve even reached out to a couple of moms on forums/chat rooms and never heard back. It’s going to be very difficult to break the news to my kids that their mother is a social pariah. What else could be the explanation?
Throughout all of this, Damian has been my rock. He’s actually surpassed my expectations as a father and a husband and has been tremendously supportive of me throughout this whole ordeal. He makes me feel like I am the best mother that’s ever walked the planet. He gives me confidence and hope. He makes me feel like I can do whatever I put my mind to, which I can…as long as he’s by my side. I really don’t know what I’d do without him. Hmmm…how can I possibly top Mother’s Day next month for Father’s Day???
Wow. Just writing all of this down has made me feel so much better. I wish I could say, “OK, thanks, I’m over that whole blues thing,” and move on, but it’s not that easy. At the very least, I can get all these emotions out in the open and acknowledge them and deal with them, and I hope, put them behind me. In some way it makes me feel less lonely, like getting these words out there in cyberspace is therapy somehow. It’s all about baby steps, or taking one day at a time like Dame said. Yesterday was a bad day. Today was a good day. Tomorrow…well, I won’t know until I get there.