For around 7 or 8 years I’ve informally studied Buddhism. I’ve taken meditation classes, yoga classes, private meditation instruction as well as been a member of different Buddhist centers. I credit Buddhism with really helping me deal with some past pain and anger issues. I credit Buddhism with helping me find a happier, healthier path in life. I truly believe Buddhism has he lped me be a better person.
However, since the twins have been born my mind has definitely been elsewhere! And I haven’t meditated since I was 5 or 6 months pregnant, using the excuse that I cant sit on the floor. No, this is not valid excuse.
I’m not a person who does things half-heartedly. If I’m doing something – anything – I do it whole hog, which is probably why I’ve avoided Buddhism lately. I don’t have time to dedicate to Buddhism because I want to read as much as I can and meditate as much as I can. The funny thing is – I DO NOT NEED ANY EXTRA time to dedicate to Buddhism. All I have to do is PAY ATTENTION and live in the present. That’s all is truly required of me, but it seems even this is a tall request.
With exhaustion as my constant companion, it’s been easy to think “and this too shall pass,” but all the while I ask myself if I’m wishing away my babies’ earliest experiences. I want to be here with my babies in every moment, but I also know that this is a really tough stage of having twins. If I can just get through this, I’ll be golden, I say to myself.
It’s a fine line to walk – eager to get through this so I can feel like a normal human again but wanting to soak up every moment because it will go so fast. I just have to take deep breaths and remind myself to PAY ATTENTION. Before I know it, it will be gone.