SuperMama and Los Twinguinos

Adventures of boy/girl twins and their nervous mom.

Road Bumps May 18, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — bigojos @ 2:48 pm

When I was pregnant, Dame and I talked endlessly about how difficult raising twins would be. We didn’t know from personal experience just yet, but we imagined that caring for 2 infants would be a challenge. And boy were we right.

I’ve been blessed with an uneventful, full-term pregnancy. I’ve been fortunate to give birth to  not one but two perfectly healthy newborns, each weighing more than some singletons at birth. I’m extremely lucky to have well-behaved, cheerful babies who at 3 months, are already sleeping most of the night. I can’t thank the gods enough for all that I have received, which is why it makes me painfully guilty to feel the way I do…

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a stay at home mom. And right now, I’m thankful that I don’t have to be. I return to work in 6 weeks, and I want to enjoy the time with my babies as much as I can, but I can’t help but feel eager to get back to work. I look forward to getting dressed in the morning and putting make-up on and getting to the office with a coffee in hand. To feel busy and productive and competent. To speak with other adults and solve problems and talk on the phone and go to meetings. I’m sure I will probably regret saying all this when I am back at work because I’ll miss my babies so much!

Some mothers aren’t so good at raising babies all day. I don’t feel stimulated enough, and I worry that I’m not stimulating the babies enough. What do I know about an infant’s development? Am I doing enough? Playing with them enough? Talking to them enough? Holding them enough? I’m just so unsure, and at work I feel sure! I feel confident. I feel good at something.

And infants are exhausting! Is it awful that I wish them long naps so I can get a breather? It makes me feel terrible! I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted. Well, I certainly got more than I expected! so I don’t want the universe to think I’m ungrateful. I’m not. I know how lucky I am and how much some people would sacrifice to be in my positon right now. But if I’m being honest, then I have to say that I couldn’t do this job full time. I couldn’t stay home with the kiddies all day and all night. This doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids more than everything on this planet, it means that I’m just a human with certain needs. I’ve always been a person who needed some alone time. Heck, Dame and I always try for a 2 bedroom apartment just so we can have our own space (yes, we sleep in the same room!), and I need to accept it’s OK to need a break. And I write this to convince myself more than it is to explain.

But I adore my babies. I truly do. I wouldn’t change having them or taking this much maternity leave. They are so special to me, and I want to cry when I think of leaving them, but I know it’s going to be all good. I just know it. This is merely a road bump on the most amazing adventure called parenthood.


4 Responses to “Road Bumps”

  1. Tina Says:

    I had a multitude of mixed emotions as I read this. Not gonna lie…a year ago I would have hated you with all of my being if I’d read this post. I was told I’d never have children when I was 16. In October 2008 I set out to prove “them” wrong. It wasn’t until July of 2009 that I had my first indication that I/we had succeeded and not until March this year that I held my little victory in my arms. I quit my job as a therapist to stay home with my love. Now, I can see how some women just aren’t as excited about this “job.” I’ve never been the “get dressed, put on make up” kind of thing. I love that pony tails, jeans, and a nursing tank are all I need to don each day. It takes a strong woman to go against the grain and decide what’s best for herself…something it sounds like we both had to do. Kudos to you for recognizing your own needs (and thus making a happier, more effective mommy). Send your twinguinos my way…I’ll keep them all day!

    • bigojos Says:

      Congrats on your little miracle! It’s great how every mom is different. We just need to figure out what’s best for each of us. I’m still learning everyday!

  2. Mama Mando Says:

    See, I had to quit my job and move across country as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I sometimes wish I could have worked at least a little bit of my pregnancy…would have made it not such a lonely time for me. Now that the boys are born I actually love staying home. I’m kind of a home body anyways and I love time on my own. I guess I’m not COMPLETELY on my own right now but can really do my own thing each day. I always dreamed of working for myself doing something from home somehow. I’m still figuring that one out. However, I know exactly what you mean about adult interaction! I feel whenever i see someone besides my hubby all I do is talk their ear off…but it usually ends up being about baby/mommy stuff because I don’t have any current experiences outside of this right now. I really loved all of my old co-workers and although I didn’t get paid enough for ALL I did at my last job I really liked other people depending on what I did.

    I guess we all learn a lot about ourselves after having kids!

    • bigojos Says:

      I hear you on being a homebody! And I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be in a new state. You previously mentioned joining a mommy group. Are you still thinking about it? You should give it a whirl. I joined a twin mommy one but was a bit disappointed and didn’t make any meaningful friendships. Oh well!

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