When I was pregnant, Dame and I talked endlessly about how difficult raising twins would be. We didn’t know from personal experience just yet, but we imagined that caring for 2 infants would be a challenge. And boy were we right.
I’ve been blessed with an uneventful, full-term pregnancy. I’ve been fortunate to give birth to not one but two perfectly healthy newborns, each weighing more than some singletons at birth. I’m extremely lucky to have well-behaved, cheerful babies who at 3 months, are already sleeping most of the night. I can’t thank the gods enough for all that I have received, which is why it makes me painfully guilty to feel the way I do…
I don’t think I’m cut out to be a stay at home mom. And right now, I’m thankful that I don’t have to be. I return to work in 6 weeks, and I want to enjoy the time with my babies as much as I can, but I can’t help but feel eager to get back to work. I look forward to getting dressed in the morning and putting make-up on and getting to the office with a coffee in hand. To feel busy and productive and competent. To speak with other adults and solve problems and talk on the phone and go to meetings. I’m sure I will probably regret saying all this when I am back at work because I’ll miss my babies so much!
Some mothers aren’t so good at raising babies all day. I don’t feel stimulated enough, and I worry that I’m not stimulating the babies enough. What do I know about an infant’s development? Am I doing enough? Playing with them enough? Talking to them enough? Holding them enough? I’m just so unsure, and at work I feel sure! I feel confident. I feel good at something.
And infants are exhausting! Is it awful that I wish them long naps so I can get a breather? It makes me feel terrible! I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted. Well, I certainly got more than I expected! so I don’t want the universe to think I’m ungrateful. I’m not. I know how lucky I am and how much some people would sacrifice to be in my positon right now. But if I’m being honest, then I have to say that I couldn’t do this job full time. I couldn’t stay home with the kiddies all day and all night. This doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids more than everything on this planet, it means that I’m just a human with certain needs. I’ve always been a person who needed some alone time. Heck, Dame and I always try for a 2 bedroom apartment just so we can have our own space (yes, we sleep in the same room!), and I need to accept it’s OK to need a break. And I write this to convince myself more than it is to explain.
But I adore my babies. I truly do. I wouldn’t change having them or taking this much maternity leave. They are so special to me, and I want to cry when I think of leaving them, but I know it’s going to be all good. I just know it. This is merely a road bump on the most amazing adventure called parenthood.