Parenthood is less than sexy, don’t listen to what anyone might say…though I’ve never EVER heard anyone describe it as such. There’s poopy diapers, getting peed on, wearing spit-up all day and not caring. And let’s be clear – there are different types of spit-up. There’s the recently ingested, milky spit-up that’s easily wipeable (did I just make up a new word?) and then there’s the curdled, sour milk spit-up that’s made it’s way all the way down to the stomach and regurgitated back up. The latter is the stuff that stays on you all day, sometimes even after you shower. Paloma has a disgusting habit of getting the chunky spit-up in her neck and it’s near impossible to clean it all out of her fat rolls. This makes Paloma a very stinky girl.
But what makes me feel MOST sexy as a parent (that’s sarcasm) is tandem nursing. Nursing one baby at a time is fine. I can still have a baby on one boob and type with one hand or have a conversation on the phone. I can still multitask. With tandem feeding, I feel like an absolute animal. A cow. A thing with utters. I am serving a purpose and one purpose only – to feed my young.
The process by which I tandem nurse is a feat in itself. I have to get set up in the middle of a bed or on the floor to make sure if I happen to drop a baby, there’s a safe place for he/she to land. I have a large pillow in the shape of a U which I wrap around my waist. This thing cost $60 and is really only styrofoam with a cover, which is slightly infuriating. Anyway, once I’m sitting with the pillow resting on my lap, I place one – likely screaming – baby in a football style hold on the pillow, which is a head under one boob and feet pointing towards my back but along my waist. Repeat with other baby on other side.
Once babies are in position, I release the massive breasts. Normally, my nipples want to point downward; they used to point outward pre-breastfeeding. However, with tandem nursing the nipples point outward and sideways, not the most natural feeling.
Paloma will latch immediately, though she kind of sucks (ha ha) at it. She doesn’t like to open her mouth very wide so she usually makes my nipples tender. Bodhi, on the other hand, is a great latcher once he latched. Often times Bodhi gets near the boob and starts thrashing his head back and forth crying. This is very confusing as he often will have the nipple IN his mouth, yet he still has a meltdown. Then he works himself up so much it takes a bit to settle him down to get to latch. We’ve determined when he really has a meltdown his diaper is probably dirty. We just think he’s a spazz.
OK, so we did it. We got them to latch so now what? Well, I sit there in all my topless glory and let the kids drink. I’m an animal, a machine. There is not much for me to do. I’m learning to read a magazine, but the magazine can’t be too heavy because I have to hold my arms up and out passed the kids head so my arms get pretty tired. It’s not easy.
After 15 minutes or so, one kid will usually fall asleep but I just keep him/her there until the other is done. Then I have to figure out whom to burp first. But during that 15 minutes I serve only one purpose and that’s to feed my kids. What were once my erotic fun bags have become milk jugs for the young. It might be the least sexy thing I get to do each day. The things I do for my kids. I hope they appreciate it one day.